201 - 210 Marital Food For Thought - Jack’s Marriage Project - Jack Lookman - Empowerment and Inspiration - empowering, inspiring generations

 201. Do you consider yourself and your spouse to be equal?

 

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Do you believe in equal rights? In my opinion, each of you is endowed differently. You have different qualities and probably different abilities. The way men are created, there are some qualities they have which will be beneficial for the union. Ditto for the wife. Now, in terms of the quality, I don't know about that. But what I know is that each of you is endowed with different qualities, and it is for both of you, as a union, to leverage each other's qualities, to respect each other's qualities and to work collectively for the betterment of your union.  

202. Recap of Marital Lessons on Children and Wife Management 

203. Why do you want to have children? 

Will you have them just because they come by chance? Will you have them for a reason? Will you have them such that when you grow old you can rely on them to look after you? Will you have them to show off? That's my child. What are your reasons for having children? Will you have them just to add to humanity? Will you have them such that you can bring them up in good ways and then they could do good things for humanity? Or will you just have them to show them off? What are your reasons for having children? If you don't want to have children, what are your reasons? That's why all your whys should be very, very strong. If it's not strong, there's a chance you may not bring up the children very well, or that any little wind that blows will blow down your union.  

204. About Having Children:

For some men they want to make sure that they try to stabilise the home. For example, if you have 3, 4, 5 children, there's a chance that your wife may not go outside looking for another husband. And for the wife, they may use it as a way of grounding the husband, especially if he's a responsible husband, because obviously he will have responsibilities that will keep him busy enough not to look outside for sex or extramarital activities. These, may be other reasons for having children.

205. Will that perfect marriage have its fair share of challenges?

 

First and foremost, there is no perfection anywhere. In my opinion, most of those people who you see smiling, holding each other on the streets, using the words: I love you; publicly showing affection and all of that; probably manage conflict from time to time. They have their challenges, they have their successes and so on. But at the end of the day, their why and their reason for marriage keeps them going. So, yes, they will look happy, on the outside, but most times, they have their fair share of conflict or discomfort. They have their fair share of tragedies too and sometimes, their fair share of luck. So yes, on the outside you may see them smiling and laughing and being so romantic in public, but their realities are best known to them. In my opinion, because we are all imperfect people, everyone has their fair share of challenges, and every marital union, has its fair share of challenges. So don't be fooled by their outward looks. 

In most cases, there's no perfect union. Most successful ones make the best of what they have. 

In summary, every marital union has its fair share of challenges and difficulties.

206. Will that perfect marriage have challenges? 

Assuming there is a beautiful lady and a handsome man; both of good character, good behaviour, good family, good qualifications, good income, et cetera. If you ask whether they will have their fair share of challenges; in my opinion, they will, and history will probably prove that right. If you look at other couples that fit that particular model, you will see that while some of these marriages fail, some succeed. Generally, life is full of ups and downs. So even though a marriage looks perfect, in my opinion, it will have its own fair share of challenges and difficulties.

207. Do you intend to have children? 

What if one spouse is infertile? What will you do? Will you go and indulge in extramarital activities and conceal it? If you are a woman, will you indulge in extramarital activities? And then, when you conceive, attribute it to your spouse? How do you manage infertility? Will you just accept it as the will of God, continue your life and make the best out of whatever is left out of your life? Will you divorce your spouse because of infertility? If you are a man, will you have other wives who will be able to give you children? What will you do if your spouse is infertile? Will you go for medical help, especially if you're a woman? Maybe, you better have  fertility treatments that you can go through. 

There are some things they do. Where anonymous donors donate sperm or you go to a sperm bank where you can get sperm to make your wife have children. Yes, it looks quite immoral but what will you do if you are in that situation? And then whatever you do, will you be able to live with it for the short and long term? Would it keep your union strong or would it destroy your union? What are your thoughts?

208. Dressing

As a woman, or maybe for your spouse, does she dress modestly and respectfully while she's outside? Or does she dress seductively, exposing parts of her body? Is this good? What is good practice? Is this something you want to accommodate in the name of freedom of expression? Could this entice other men to want to have relationships with her? Is this a good thing or is it a bad thing? Is it positive or negative? What are your thoughts?

209. Spousal interaction with the opposite sex? 

Will you encourage it, or will you have a zero tolerance? Or will you have a mutual understanding that there should be red lines to interacting with the opposite sex? Yes, it may not be 100% possible not to interact with the opposite sex, but at least this could be done in moderation and this could actually be managed. 

What are your thoughts?

210. Are you qualified for marriage, as a man? 

Are you able to lead the family, or are you tender and very weakhearted? Are you able to provide for the family, which is usually the traditional role of the man? Are you able to protect the family from difficulties, challenges, et cetera? Are you able to be the man in the family or are you a coward? As a woman, there are probably some traditional rules. Are you able to perform them? for example, cooking, looking after the house, et cetera. Are you able to look after the children and bring them up to be good citizens and good adults? As parents, are you able to imbibe good qualities in the children, good mannerisms, good spirituality, good interpersonal skills, etcetera? Marriage comes with its challenges. Are you able to face up to the challenges?

Thank you very much for your time. 

This is Jack Lookman signing off. Ire o (I wish you blessings)

Ire kabiti (I wish you loads of blessings).

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191 - 200 Marital Food For Thought - Jack’s Marriage Project - Jack Lookman - empowering and inspiring generations - Empowerment, Inspiration

 191. Pronouncements

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In the heat of your love making with your spouse, do you make pronouncements like "We shall never divorce," "We shall never be separated until death to us part."  Is this a realistic pronouncement? Is it something you are in control of? Are you in control of the future? Can there be conflict? Can there be sickness? Can there be loss of earnings? Can there be suffering? Can there be violence, etcetera? Is it possible for you to decide or think that you can never be divorced or separated? Are you fully in control of that? Those who said it yesterday and those who will say it tomorrow, are they in control of all situations? Can life turn that beautiful relationship into a very unpleasant one? What are your thoughts?

192. Personality Difference

If I'm introvert and my spouse is extrovert, can that relationship work? 

If you're an introvert, should your spouse be an introvert? And if you're an extrovert, should your spouse be an extrovert? Or should there be a mix of either or both? Well, it may be worse. Try looking at case studies and studying whether it works for different personalities. In my opinion, it may work for some if you have different personalities, and in some other cases it may not work. Therefore, look for whatever is best for you. If you are the type that wants to see your spouse more of the time, if you are the type that wants to be with your spouse most of the time,. if you're the type that goes out a lot to socialise, to network, maybe that's a key ingredient of you bringing in resources like money, etcetera, then it might be worth it being an extrovert so that you can go out and in the midst of your socialising and networking maybe you might get income directly or indirectly. For example, if you want to get contracts or meet with new people; especially, people of higher calibre, it might need you to socialise and network or to improve your network such that the opportunity of monetising becomes higher. But the bottom line is that, if you think it works for you, I will suggest that you have that discussion with your potential spouse and talk it through. Think it through, and then if it's something you think will work for both of you, then well go ahead and do it. But if it's something that may not work for you, then you might need to reconsider. 

193. Must you marry at all costs? 

In my opinion, marriage is not for everyone. For some people, marriage works for them. For some other people, marriage can actually destroy them. 

At the end of the day, study your personality. Study other people with your personality and see and make an informed decision. If, for example, you are someone who loves your own company, prefers to be on your own, etcetera, maybe you cannot tolerate other people in your space and so on. Then the chances are that if you marry, maybe it may not work, because whoever is living at with you, there's a chance that you might get into each other's way from time to time. There may be conflict, etcetera. So, marriage may not be for everyone, and it may not be good to expect to marry at all costs. If you force yourself to do what is not destined for you, then there's a chance of failure. But at the end of the day, it's for you to make an informed decision. Have a chat with other people who are married, learn from their experiences, involve trusted others, maybe have conversations, have conversations with marriage counsellors, religious clerics, friends who have got married, friends who have got divorced, and so on. Have those discussions and then make an informed decision whether marriage is going to be good for you or not. And most importantly, pray about it and pray for direction and guidance and hopefully, you'll make an informed decision.

194. Should I marry a spouse with a different personality? 

What I will say is that; your personalities may be different, but if they are compatible, then maybe you may want to marry such a spouse. But if your personalities are not compatible, I will suggest you do not marry that person. Therefore, for all intents and purposes, if you have the same personality traits, there is a chance that you may get along and there is a chance you may not even get along. And if you have different personality traits, same thing. But at the end of the day, you need to make an informed decision as to whether it can work or it cannot work. For example, if you are the quiet type and your spouse is the lively and jovial type, it is possible that by the time your spouse keeps talking endlessly, that person may end up getting on your nerves and you may even react and tell that person to just give you your time and space. It is something you will have to make an informed decision about. I think it is not just about the about the personality, it's more about the compatibility. If you are compatible, then not tick so many boxes. But if you are not compatible, then you may need to reconsider.

195. How will you manage infidelity?

 

If your spouse has sex with another person, how will you manage it? Will you go for a divorce? Will you go and talk about it to everybody and anybody? Will you post it in social media? Will you manage it such that it does not spread? Will you cover up for the spouse and have a frank talk with that spouse? Will you want to get separated and go your separate ways? What if you have children involved? Will that impact the children? Will it impact both of you or the family? How will you manage it? Give that some thought. Infidelity is one of the occurrences that can happen in marriage, either intentionally or unintentionally. You have a lot of people around who can tempt you. Beautiful ladies, handsome men, especially if you are attractive yourself. So, find a way to manage infidelity. You may share religious best practice. You may share best practice from mentors or mentees. You may share best practice from those who are experienced. You may share best practice from confidants. And then make an informed decision on how you will manage it. If you've been married for 20 years, 30 years, as bad as infidelity may be, you don't want what you've built to just get destroyed overnight.

196. How will you manage infertility? 

On the one hand, the woman may be barren, or on the other hand the man may be infertile. Sometimes, if you are the religious type, you may not get to know about this until after you are married. How will you manage it? Is it going to be for better, for worse? Are you going to seek medical help? Are you going to pray about it? Are you going to work on it? Are you going to get divorced? How are you going to manage it? Please share your thoughts.

197. If your partner becomes incapacitated

What will you do? How will you manage it? Maybe it becomes worse and he has to be amputated or maybe, he or she has mental health challenges or some major chronic illnesses. How will you manage it? Have you given it some thoughts? Will you give it some thoughts? Will you divorce that person and leave that person in his moment of need, or would you stick through it, through the hard, difficulties and ease? Will you be by the side of that person? Would you help that person? Would you support that person? If you do not have a job, will you look for a job in order to sustain the family? If the person becomes completely helpless, will you be there for him or her? Or is it just for better for stay and for worse for go? So, what will you do if your spouse becomes incapacitated? You can even flip this around. If your children become incapacitated, are you going to abandoned them? Are you going to do everything to support them? Or, what will you do? Please share your thoughts. 

198. If your wife doesn't get along with your mum 

How will you manage it? Most times, the wife and the mother-in-law are usually at loggerheads. In most cases, each of them tries to have total authority. Now have you given some thought on how you will manage it? There is a proverb that says ‘when two elephants fight it is the grass that suffers.’ Now, you are torn between both of them. You have to manage the conflict. You have to give what is for your mother to your mother and give what is for your wife to your wife. It's a different and sometimes, difficult path to tread, but you need to give it some thought. If you're a man, how you will manage it, will you seek advice from outside? will you get people to mediate on the conflict? Will you be a man and own up to the responsibility of handling the situation? It's a very delicate situation to be in and it's something that needs to be managed. It's probably not a one size fits all, it's some probably something you have to keep working on, but you need to think about how you are going to manage such a situation. Or maybe from the onset, you let your mom choose your wife for you so to avoid the conflict. But what about the situation is that you need to give it some thoughts if you're a man, such that you're able to manage that difficult terrain if or when it comes. 

199. If your wife becomes the breadwinner:

It is, traditionally, the role of the man to be the breadwinner. But in some cases, the man may lose his job. In some cases, the wife may earn more than the man. In some cases, things may just change. If that eventuality happens, how would you manage it? Are you going to become physically aggressive and violent? Are you going to be hot tempered?  Are you going to be upset? Are you going to be angry? Are you going to? How will you manage it? There are some cases where the wife actually earns more, and sometimes, even much more. Will you become a house husband? Will you let go of your male ego? Or would you? If she's the bigger earner, will you come to an arrangement whereby she brings money home and then you manage it in such a way that you can actually multiply the money? What will you do? How will you manage that situation? The truth of the matter is that this is a reality. You know there are lots of situations where the wife actually earns more or is maybe the only one in the family. So, if you're a man, how would you manage such?

200. How will you manage conflict with your spouse?

Will you become physical? Will you become verbally aggressive? Will you go and spread the word to everybody and anybody? Will you find a way of resolving the problem internally in your home? Or is it something you tell either the religious cleric or you tell people you can confide in? How do you manage the conflict? Does it matter the size of the conflict or does it matter what the conflict is or when it happens? You know, in reality, like they say, the tongue and the teeth, they are so close together, so it's very, very easy for there to be conflict. So are you and your spouse, you're supposed to be very close, living under the same roof, seeing each other's nakedness, and all. Now, if there's conflict between both of you, maybe a misunderstanding, how will you manage it? Give it some thought.

Thank you very much for your time. 

This is Jack Lookman signing off. Ire o (I wish you blessings)

Ire kabiti (I wish you loads of blessings).

Buy - Marital Food For Thought - Jack’s Marriage Project - https://amzn.to/3X0fg2n

Thank you for your contributions: John Tosin Adekunle and  Rita Nnamani 

Facebook group: Menteero

Youtube channel: Jack Lookman  

Facebook Community: Jack Lookman 

jacksempowerment.com 

• Courses by Jack Lookman Limited 
• Becoming Organised
• Mindset
• Jack’s Mentoring 101 (18+)

jacklookmanlimited.com 

• Jack Lookman Limited Websites
• Jack Lookman On Social media 
• Jack Lookman Paperbacks

Books by Jack Lookman Limited 

Jack Lookman Limited Websites

Jack Lookman’s Social Media 

Jack’s Mentoring 101  - 18+ only

Business Collaboration With Jack Lookman - 18+ only

https://www.jacksempowerment.com 

https://www.jacklookmanlimited.com 

Book A Chat With Jack Lookman 

We do Affiliate Marketing and make commissions for every sale, at no additional cost to you.

The change that we aim is generational.

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At Jack Lookman Limited: Our mission is to Empower and Inspire Generations by leveraging the Internet.